In the Mind of a Death Eater
by it's easier to breathe
Summary: A Death Eater, thinking back, regrets his decision, and watches how his role helps the Dark Lord become 'immortal', much to his displeasure. Like a diary of sorts. Mild swearing. Can you guess who it is? hiatus forever
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Quite sad, isn't it?

Ok, I've finally written something, meaning, first "story." Spur of the moment. Totally not thought out very well. Oh well. Read on...

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**Unhealthy obsession.** Yes, that's the perfect phrase to describe it. 

I admit it. I have an unhealthy obsession with the Dark Arts. Why? Have you ever done something wrong? Something that makes your heart pump faster than it has ever done before? _The adrenaline rush. The terror of being found. Waiting patiently and agonizingly, just to find out if your pursuers have given- up, and stopped searching for the perpetrator, to be precise, you._

Ah… but I was foolish and I was young. I was dealing with things many/ most could only dream of! The Dark Arts. Studying, slaving over this topic, I realized this subject is not "dark" as everyone would like to think. It has brought me great joy, curiosity, not to mention pain and suffering. The joys of finding and discovering new things. Curious to search and dig through unknown and unspeakable mysteries. Pain and suffering when something goes horribly and dreadfully wrong.

You see, this fixation started when I was quite young. Twelve years old in fact. I should have stopped then. I would have, if I wasn't so foolhardy. But noooo, I kept prying, looking, probing, until it was too late. I can't stop things that I have truly started. My one true weakness. I am sure this will bring me down in the end.

When I was offered a position among the Dark Lord's ranks. My heart soared. If I should accept, so many new possibilities could open up! So many discoveries, ideas, spells to be discovered. But if I should back down, I would most certainly die. _Funny, isn't it? My innermost fear: Death._ I accepted the offer. I had no other option.

My job, given directly from the Dark Lord, was to invent, uncover new spells. Dark magic, that is. I was delighted. I never had to go to battle, never would I have to fight. I could stay in a room filled with books while the others fought for their lives. They sneered and jeered at me. Calling me coward. Calling me so many names I'd prefer not to list. I just kept telling myself that they were jealous. They did the dirty work while I helped them inconspicuously. No one would ever believe I was a Death Eater if they decided to give up my name. The ministry might suspect me, but what proof did they have? What evidence? I was quite content with my "position."

Everything was going fine until the Dark Lord told me to look for more information on Horcruxes. I stared at him. _How the hell did he know about Horcruxes? _That was the first thought that popped into my mind when he sent the order. Almost absolutely no one knew they existed. And if some did know about them, they pushed the topic deep into their mind, thinking it was just some silly myth. I soon realized exactly **how much** the Lord wanted to know more about them. When I didn't research "fast enough," he threatened me. And if you're wondering what he threatened me with, that is beside the point. Err… we're getting off track now.

I found the information for him after three months of intense researching. He was pleased. _Extremely pleased. _Merlin, what have I done? Did I just give him the information to bring down the entire wizarding society! Bloody hell. Sirius was right. I've got to be the most idiotic Slytherin to **ever **step in to the Great Hall.

But that brings me to my next point. _Why?_ Why does he want to know? Is he actually going to try and create Horcruxes to make himself immortal? To split his soul into pieces, making him into a greater power-hungry monster? Shit. He's coming.

I can't believe it. I'm feeling a peculiar feeling. Something I've never felt before. **_Guilt. _**I should die. I deserve to die. Oh God, I ask again, what have I done?

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Author's Note: Ok, I finished rambling. Bet I have a ton of mistakes in here. -hides- 

Hrm… can you guess who this is?


	2. Chapter 2: Intro to Horcruxes

**Disclaimer: **Refer back to chapter one.

Wowzers(that sounds funny). People actually liked it. You are all spoiling me with reviews... Thanks everyone.  
Anyways… I'm not telling you who it is. You'll find/figure it out later.

-hides from tomatoes thrown at her- o.  
These will tend to be a bit short since there isn't a lot of talking between characters.

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Where was I? Oh yes. Guilt. A terrible feeling. If it doesn't kill me, then Lord Voldemort will. I absolutely _refuse_ to die. Not yet anyway. Not before I finish what I have started. 

I've been watching the Dark Lord closely. He seems more jumpy, more _anxious_. What is he up to? I found out today. I wish I didn't know. **Bodies**. That's the answer. Bodies of muggle-borns and muggles. Disgusting. I think I'm going to vomit… but I can't. My dear, old cousin is getting suspicious of me scribbling away madly at a small, shitty journal.

He's making them. He's doing it. He's figured out the secret and key to Horcruxes. Now we're all screwed, and to top it all off, I'm going to hell. For sure.

I wonder what's happening outside these stone walls. War? Terror? Fear. Dumbledore can only keep everyone calm for a while. The old fool won't know what hit him, and I can't help… Can I?

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He called he into his chamber. For the first time, I saw him in his true state. A twisted piece of humanity with the blood red eyes of the devil. How many times has he ripped his soul? Not more than twice I hope. Once is bad enough. 

He wanted to congratulate me for all my hard work. He gave me three books on the Dark Arts. Books that exist only to him, to me. I despise him. I will bring him down. I will, for once in my life, be the hero. Be the one who comes out on top of everyone. He wants me to research more though. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! I'VE ALREADY GOTTEN A HANDFULL OF INFORMATION THAT PEOPLE IN THE MINISTRY CAN ONLY DREAM OF! The bastard. Ahh... now I'm overreacting.

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Five times… _five._ He split his soul into five fucking pieces. I swear, He's suffering from acute paranoia. Now, to find out where he put these five Horcruxes. Will he notice if they are destroyed? Knowing him, he'll put his soul into things he treasures the most. Five things that represent himself and his non-existent heart. Probably something of Salazar's. He always had a soft spot for the Founder of Slytherin House. Speaking of Salazar, is it possible that he decided to use things, objects from the other three as well? Hmm… it's a possibility. I'll come back to this idea later. 

So many questions, so many possibilities that form when Horcruxes are involved. Now, that was my "dark" side talking, it got me into this entire mess, damnit! Hmm… Severus is back. Huh, personally, I think he's a spy- spying **_on_** us, but the Dark Lord trusts Snape too much. He doesn't think Snape will turn. In fact, he doesn't think any of us will turn on him…since the traitor will end up dying "mysteriously." A pile of ashes is what will be left of me when he finds this journal. Hmm… Severus is coming. I wonder what he wants.

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He's heard about a prophecy… about the Dark Lord's downfall. This shall be exciting…

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**Author's Note:** Soul split five times since this takes place before Voldemort goes to Godric's Hollow… that will happen later on in the story…I think. Hmm… tell me what you liked and didn't like (with a reason) in this chapter. Thanks! 

Ok, so it wasn't as long as the first chapter, but I promise the next one will be longer (even if it kills me).  
-eats tomatoes-


	3. Chapter 3: Horcrux Found

**Disclaimer:** Check chapter two for directions to get you to my disclaimer.

Okay… another chapter! Short, but a chapter none-the-less so quit staring at me like that!

Anyways, enough of my paranoia, read on. I hope you all like it… -hugs everyone who reviews-

**Ok, I deleted the chapter... I thought I forgot something... then, I realized I was wrong. Now I feel stupid. --;; gah.**

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I haven't been feeling well at all these days. Ugh, I think it was something I ate… maybe the Dark Lord discovered I've been wishing him dead… Do you think he has poisoned my food and water? Damnit. 

I'll write more later… first, I **must** take a nap. Exhaustion has consumed my body.

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Something dark. Screams. Chills. Fear. Nostalgia. Sorrow. Grief. Shrieks. Terror. Distress. And someone looming over everything, everyone: Him. Merlin, that was the scariest nightmare I ever had. But what if it wasn't a nightmare? I recall mother telling us of one of our ancestors who was a Seer… but I think I'm going insane.

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Lord Voldemort is "concerned" about my well being. Personally, I think he cares about his little "researcher," and all the information I would deny him if I died. And I think I found one of his Horcruxes! A sword that once belonged to Godric Gryffindor. I found it on the floors of his chamber one day, and I received a huge shock that ran up my shine (does he have that god damned thing cursed?)… He got mad at me and cast "_Crucio!_"

I don't care about the pain, I **know** I found one of his precious Horcruxes. I almost went mad with glee in front of him. God knows what would have happened to me if I had not controlled myself. I shudder at the thought. Albus Dumbledore will find out about the Dark Lord's plan, eventually. Should I help him destroy Voldemort?

What are the other four? The sword probably confirms my suspicions: he's sealing bits of his soul away into objects from the four founders. Now I have to find something that once belonged to Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Slytherin's object won't be hard to find…it's probably lying around somewhere in this place.

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Speaking of Salazar, I wonder if one of the Horcruxes is the ring he always keeps. Yes, that **must **be it, but how will I destroy it? He'll have it guarded with spells, enchantments, the whole enchilada. Then… better yet. How will I destroy any of them? I mean, if getting rid of one might kill me, think about going through the same process for four more times! I need to do more research… I think I have some information on destroying Horcruxes in one of these books…

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There's so much to do, and I'm running out of time… I need a drink. I'll feel better about this entire ordeal after some firewhiskey. Mmmm… that's a good plan.

Now I'm in for it… I think. I was drinking… and… uhhh… where was I? Oh yes, Wormtail came into my room. He started talking to me. I remember something,

something about Voldemort? Yes, that's right, Voldemort. Crap, what did I say? Did I mention the Horcruxes? Did I accidentally spill out my current thoughts about how I'm regretting my decision to be a Death Eater? Not good… I'll have to think of an alibi if word reaches the Dark Lord that I've been thinking of going against him.

What should I tell him? That I was drunk? Yes… but then he'd -scribbling- Lucius has come to tell me the Dark Lord wants to see me in his chamber immediately.

Ha! I just remembered Sirius's old nickname for Master… Old Moldie Voldie! I can barely contain my laughter. Hmm… I miss him, and those other two troublesome Marauders. I wonder if Wormtail knows about this…

Doubt he'd think it's funny… that guy has lost everything he once had. Don't pity him, the foul, useless piece of breathing flesh. He'd be better off in hell… and so would I.

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**Author's Note:** YES! I got over seven hundred words (not a lot, but for me, that's an essay). LOL. Ech, I have a ton of homework… I'll probably update on the weekends?And I have to reread Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, so I might be a little late on the fourth chapter AND I'm working on my other story. Gah! 

Oh, and don't worry, the prophecy will be coming up soon, he's sick, remember? He's not feeling top notch at the moment.

On a happier note (I think)… more Wormtail coming up in the next chapter. That should be interesting, huh?

Once again, sorry if I caused anyone to be confused on the reposting of this chapter. 


	4. Chapter 4: Confusion

**Disclaimer:** Refer to chapter three.

One week has passed… I am updating. And no, this is not James or Remus, or anyone in Gryffindor -wink- -wink-

Thank you for being patient. **Extremely sorry about the delay.** I've had many tests and projects that I needed to do to bring up my grades.

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I was called into the Dark Lord's chambers. Apparently, I accidentally said something about destroying Horcruxes. He questioned me quite thoroughly. I hate Legilimency and Occlumency. I was and still am hopeless at that. Severus has got to train me one day… 

Wormtail: the slimy git. I still can't believe he was in Gryffindor! Impossible. He probably bribed the Sorting Hat or something. He's a bloody, obsequious bastard! ARGH! Why doesn't he just DIE? And selling his friends to the Dark Lord. Pfftt! How faithful! Will he betray us if he had the chance? Self-pitying himself will get him nowhere.

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I've been doing some things that would get me killed if the Lord ever found out, so I will not disclose too much information here in case someone just happens to stumble upon this. I've been in contact with another wizard. I've been trying to help.

I was quite surprised when he agreed to let me in and let me recount my story and feeling. I've been doing my part… keeping him informed of meetings and conversations that might be essential. No one else knows of how he is getting his tip-offs. He assures me that my name will never breach anyone that might cause me harm.

_He trusts me, _but question is: Do I trust him?

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I don't understand. Voldemort has _lost_ the sword of Gryffindor. Or rather, it is missing from his room. Yes, I sneak into his room. I haven't been caught, yet. But I did find Hufflepuff's cup, Marvolo's ring, and Salazar's locket. I've heard of the killing of Hepzibah. I am now positive that that sniveling house elf had nothing to do with her mistress's murder.

Voldemort modified her memory very well. Can he do that to well- functioning and sane humans too? I would hate to think so.

I consulted Bella. I needed at least _someone_ to talk to, even if the topic was - "How to Effectively Kill a Muggle"

The woman is mad. Very disturbed.

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I don't think I'll live a long life. I've become so tired and haggard. I've almost lost the will to live. Horcruxes have kept me alive, but what will become of me when they are destroyed? Or will my feeble body and mind give in to the pressure? I can't give up now… I'm unbelievably close to my goal.

I think I'll go get some sleep now…

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Wormtail is genuinely bugging the crap out of me. He asks what I am up to. He follows me around. He's like the fly you can't rid of until, you get so mad at it, you want to kill it. Well, I tried to strangle him but Rodolphus came and pried my fingers off his throat. The twit. Wormtail, not Rodolphus.

He keeps disappearing for lengths of time. Where does he go? Maybe he's plotting against us. He seems so… tricky and disloyal and deceitful. He's weak and gullible, mostly selfish, but there's something about him that gives me the creeps.

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Red, ever so red. Scarlet patches of color blossoming on my clothes, on the floor, on the walls. Hm… it's tastes salty, like… dare I say it. Fresh, human blood. Mine.

_I'm bleeding to death…_

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_**Author's Note:** This was a bit short, but I _promise_, you will probably like the next chapter. Bear with me until then.

Sorry for any errors (content wise, grammar wise, spelling) in this chapter. I didn't have a lot of time to write.

Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5: Prophecy: Need I Say More?

**Disclaimer: **Refer to chapter four.

Short chapter. Very short chapter.

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Crimson. It's all over the place. I think I'm possessed. 

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Voldemort no longer "trusts" me.

He found me in his room. We dueled. Yes, _we dueled_. I dueled with the most powerful Dark Lord of all time, and survived to live the tale… sort of. I've been bleeding profusely the past couple of days. But I found what I was looking for. I found what I needed to know. Now, I wish I hadn't.

The man is a psychopath. A total wacko, not that I just noticed this.

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I also wormed this out of Wormtail (hmmm… ironic some how?) who heard it from Severus:

"**_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"_**

**Two children** fit this description. **Two babies** whose destiny falls on this prophecy. **Two innocent victims**, but only one will be haunted by it. _One._

And no one can help save the child from a horrible life and… possibly death.

Neville Longbottom and Harry Potter. Who will it be?

Well, we're all about to find out.

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**Author's Note: ** I told you this was going to be short. Don't hate me. 

Is it wacko, or whacko? O.o;; I bet you it's wacko.. right?

Feel free to leave comments: likes, or dislikes, or both. Thanks.


	6. Chapter 6: The Chosen One

**Disclaimer:** Refer to chapter five.

I'm posting, and I'm alive. Whoopee!

AH. I saw the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on Thanksgiving. It was pretty good. Some of the new characters didn't fit the character description from the books (in my opinion). Ending was crappy. Didn't Viktor Krum's outfit for the ball look like one the English guards (in front of the palace, but of course, he was missing the hat) wear? Weird.

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He has chosen Harry Potter…the son of James and Lily Potter. Now, I'm stating the obvious. I've never actually laid eyes on the boy, but I know, for a fact, that he will never live a normal life. The Dark Lord is planning an attack. I'm certain that Dumbledore has been alerted to this. His spies are everywhere… like Voldemort's. 

I wonder if Lily and James will ever find out that it was little, inconspicuous Peter that sold them to the Dark Lord. Ha, I would pay thousands to see their reaction. Hmm… maybe I'm not as guilty as I thought I was. I still have some dark qualities left. Pettigrew… now, where has he gone?

He's weak. I found him clutching a photo of the Potters. Too bad that he didn't care that much for them, otherwise, he would not have betrayed them, but… I can sense what he is going through. Guilt, pain, torn between his friends, and his fears. My suggestion to him: get over it. You've betrayed them, and they will never forgive you for it. It will cost them their lives. Life's not fair, and it doesn't always turn out well for everyone. No matter how sorry you are, you can not change what you did. Well, that's what muggles would say, for in the Wizarding world, Time-Turners work miracles. He's too stupid and simple minded to think of it, though. Also, he might somehow screw up the past, and we'd all be dead in the future.

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I've decided to take Dumbledore's offer, and try to help them win this so-called war, but I don't know what I can do to help. I rarely attend meetings for I never go to battle.

But what if I tried to destroy one of the Horcruxes by myself? Everyone will finally think I'm capable of something. I can prove to everyone that I **am** strong, and they **can** count on me, and I'm, not just some miserable brat who's feeling sorry for himself. He's already hid the trinkets somewhere. Probably somewhere from his childhood since no one knows exactly where he came from. Maybe I should do a little research…

I found every little information about his past… should I consider asking Dumbledore? Surely the old crackpot knows _something_ about Voldemort. He has too many resources. Sometimes I envy the amount of knowledge he has…

Should I go after the locket? I mean, it _was_ Salazar's, and out of all his Horcruxes, I am most interested in that one. I shall pursue this idea. I should ask Severus if he has any Veritaserum I could have… I'll say it's for an important experiment of mine.

I wonder if I should make a "Marauder's Map" of this place… now that, would come in handy.

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**Author's Note:** Ehh… computer died again, and tests pouring down on my head again… not that that will ever stop.

-blinks- I was going to say something… but then I forgot.  
I know, I know, short chapter. Next one will be longer. I PROMISE.

I REMEMBER. I changed my penname to: MooseAreMisunderstood. -nods-

But thanks for all your wonderful reviews (which have made my day)!


	7. Chapter 7: Decisions, Decisions

**Disclaimer: **Refer to chapter six.

I'm not going to give you my excuses about why I haven't updated. I think you just want to read the chapter… so… yeah

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He's furious. Somehow, someone tipped _them_ off. _They_'re gone. Vanished. It's as if they never existed in the first place. Wormtail's been missing. The Dark Lord thinks he's been betrayed. Nice going Wormtail, go and make the Dark Lord furious. Guess who's going to be on the receiving end of his fury? Me. Why? …Because I've been slacking off. Let's just say I haven't been playing the part of the willing loyal Death Eater anymore.

"Just peachy." That's what Bella told me when I asked her about how she felt after the raid last night. _'Just peachy!' _God, the woman is MAD. Since I feel like ranting about everything today, just read what the bitch said to me:

"So, how'd it go?" I asked casually. (Translation: I hate you, bitch.)

"Excellent. Too bad you didn't go. You would have had fun." (Translation: You are such a coward.)

"Nah. I'll go next time." (Translation: I am not a coward.)

"Right. That's what you said last time you little bastard." She started towards me. (Translation: Face the facts. You are a coward.)

"Anyways, what happened?" (Translation: What the hell happened?)

"Hold onto your pants, boy. I was getting to that. We stormed through that little village. Spells were shooting around. Green and red dancing in the air. Ah, it was beautiful. The idiotic muggles were screaming, crying, and begging for mercy. Weak as hell I tell you. It was music to my ears." A maniacal grin lit up her face. (Translation: Yes, I'm a bitch, and I'm proud.)

"Ah… I see. How did you feel afterwards?" I shook my head in disdain. (Translation: How did you feel afterwards, you psychopath?)

"Just peachy. That raid energized me. I can't wait to take out the Order. One by one. Part by part. Limb by limb, and soul by soul…" She clapped her hands gleefully. (Translation: What are you, my shrink?)

"'_Peachy?'_ Since when did you use that word?" (Translation: My diagnosis- you're insane.)

"Since now, you ungrateful idiot." (Translation: It took you long enough to figure it out.)

I went to bed soon after that.

Against my better judgment, I asked Dumbledore for help. Yes, I know I said I didn't want to, but I'm human. I can change my mind if I want to. He told me what he knew of the Dark Lord's past… which was a lot more than I intended on finding out. Dumbledore told me of the orphanage and this cave, I believe. Of course, I didn't tell Dumbledore about my real intentions. He would obviously want to "help," but I don't want or need _his_ help. I will do this alone. I am going to go look for this orphanage tomorrow. Perhaps they will tell me something useful about Tom.

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**Author's Note:** So… it's been a while, hasn't it?

-hides-

I'm sorry it was so short. I've had major writer's block, and nothing would come to me, so I just decided to post whatever I had for now.

Once again, I'm really sorry.


	8. Chapter 8: The Orphanage

**Disclaimer:** Refer to chapter seven.

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I visited the orphanage today. Voldemort let me go with reluctance. I guess he suspects me, but can't prove anything. For that, I'm grateful. To be caught at this moment, would be horrible timing. 

As I entered the shabby building, I couldn't help but notice that there were a few memorials in front of one of the dirt-streaked windows. I walked towards them to get a closer look.

_Billy Stubbs_

_1932-1950_

_Dennis Bishop_

_1934-1950_

_Amy Benson_

_1935-1950_

A single, white rose was placed in front of the engravings. Strange isn't it? How they all died in the same year? Well, I dismissed the thought for now, and went inside.

I was hit with a stench of who-knows-what when I was inside. Little, dirty children were running all over the place, screaming and throwing things at one another. I spotted a group of older kids and noticed that they were watching me with a degree of wariness. I guess not many visitors come into this place with good intentions. I spotted a woman and walked up to her. She had to shout over the noise to be heard. She asked me if she could help me. I nodded and asked her if there was a room or office that was (much) quieter so we could talk. She told me her office was the best place for that, and led me to a (thank goodness) quieter section of the orphanage.

I asked her about the memorials out front. She told me that one day, the three of them, who happened to be quite good friends (since they were older, they were allowed to go outside on their own for a certain time), decided to take a walk around the neighborhood (I choked when she said this… how is this a neighborhood?) after dinner. She said that they didn't come back after an hour, like they had promised, so she sent another boy to go find them. The boy didn't come back either… all four of them were found dead the next morning at a park. The murderer was never found.

Weird, huh? The lady also said that this orphanage had always been on the creepy side. I asked the lady (a.k.a. Ms. Connors) if she knew of a Tom Marvolo. She knew him. She told me that he was a creepy little boy who seemed to like causing the pain of others (I coughed and said, "Sadist." She pretended not to notice). I asked her if he had any friends that I could contact… anyone who know anything else about him. She laughed, and said that the "friends" (she used air-quotes) he had were dead.

Dead? That definitely sparked my interest. Who were they? I found myself asking. She said, "His friends are dead. The only place you'll find any facts about them is on the memorial outside. The only thing you find is when they died, and how old. Tough luck, hun."

I kept pestering her for more information. After all, it was my _job_ to find out things about anything. In the end, she did give me some useful facts. She told me that they used to run off to this cave when they went out on outings. She also said that Dennis, Amy, and Billy got weirder and weirder after each strange event. Almost as if they knew something about the odd occurrences.

Well, I know one thing for sure: I'm going to check out that cave tomorrow.

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**Author's Note:** Ignore any grammatical/ spelling errors. I'm being lazy, and I don't feel like reading over this. Hehehe… 

Woot… I'm on a writing spree.

Go me!

;-)


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